"I didn't ask for this! I don't want anything I didn't ask for!"

Years ago, before I had children, I had a brutal time with menstrual cramping and PMS, as many women experience.  I would double over in pain and cry the first two or three days of my cycle, until the symptoms would eventually let up.  One particularly horrible time, I was sitting at the kitchen table crying my eyes out in agony.  Out of the blue, in complete frustration, I uttered that statement out loud.  My husband had his back to me, and started to silently chuckle.  He didn't want to make me feel bad, but, it had struck him as pretty funny.  Which made me laugh.  I only want things in my life that I ask for!  What was I, a toddler?  Now, these days, anytime I feel bad for myself, I think of that statement and it makes me smile.

During my first appointment with my PCP after my diabetes diagnosis, I was thinking about this exact statement.  Except, this time, it didn't make me smile.  As I got out of my clothes and changed into a medical gown for my checkup, I pondered.  I didn't ask for this.  Or did I?  Did I invite this disease into my life?  Like, "Here you go, diabetes, here's the key to my body.  Do with it what you will, while I eat another piece of cheesecake. Thank you, carry on, now!"  The remorse and regret was too much for me to handle.  The fear of being looked at in pity by a doctor was overwhelming.  The words "I told you so!" was most assuredly going to come out of his mouth, I just knew it.  I heard the knock on the door, and he walked in.

"Well, Donna, you have diabetes."

Me, in a nutshell.

No shit, Sherlock, I thought to myself.

He proceeded to weigh me, check my vitals, my eyes, my feet.  He pricked my toes to check for Diabetic Neuropathy.  There definitely was some loss of feeling in my toes, but not severe.  Blood pressure was good, but my cholesterol was slightly elevated due to the diabetes. Should be under 100 and it was 116.  Again, not severe.  "Ok", I thought, "so maybe there's a small chance I'm not going to drop dead any minute".  My mood began to lighten a little bit.  He left the room so I could change back into my clothes.

About 5 minutes later, he came back in and sat down.  He was going to prescribe Alpha Lipoic Acid supplements to help the neuropathy in my toes.  He gave me the information to see a Diabetic nutritionist as soon as possible.  He adjusted the dosage on the Metformin.  He wanted me to have my A1c and my cholesterol checked in 3 months and then come back in for a follow-up.  Then, he said the words I never in a million years thought I would ever hear come out of a doctor's mouth...

"Long term goal, Donna, we're going to get you off the Metformin. We're going to get you off of the Alpha Lipoic Acid.  I know you can do it."

WOW.

Like a bolt of lightning from the sky.  Like the Red Sea parting.  The angels from Heaven blew their trumpets and sang in harmony.  Did I hear him correctly?  He wants me OFF the medications?  He wants me to handle this disease eventually ON MY OWN with just diet and exercise?   My faith in humanity began to come back.  My faith in MYSELF began to come back.

Or, did I ask for it?

I walked out of the doctor's office with a slight spring in my step.  I actually was looking forward to meeting with a nutritionist to help me eat correctly.  I actually began to become excited about my future.  Did I ask for this?  Maybe, subconsciously, I did.  Did I actually want something, anything, I didn't ask for?  Maybe, in this case, I did want this.  Maybe I NEEDED this.  Could this disease actually be a gift?  A gift to finally free myself from my unhealthy relationship with food I dealt with all these years?   A gift to finally see myself as a strong, resilient person with great willpower?  A gift to be a role model for my children?  A gift for a long, healthy life?

Maybe.

Until next week, stay safe and well!

Be a butterfly...🦋