FOR THE LOVE OF REIKI!

Hello!

I can't believe it's been two months since my last blog post.  It has been quite a busy time, and I haven't had a chance to write.  I started back to work on 8/17/2020 as a nanny in the mornings and back to the children's center as a substitute toddler teacher in the afternoons.  Full-time work!  YAY!  I also wasn't quite sure on a topic to write about, so I just went with the flow until I had a moment to breathe.  I now have two topics to write about...one this week and I'll write about the other one next week.

So, for a long time I was intrigued by the Usui-Tibetan Reiki practice.  I read up on it here and there over the years, but I never really took it seriously enough to actually delve into the practice for myself, and become a practitioner.  But, again, as with this whole blog project I have undertaken due to not being at work because of the Pandemic, I decided to take advantage of the extra time on my hands and look into Reiki further.  I had heard of the many health benefits Reiki can bring to oneself, and I thought it would be another wonderful tool to keep in my wheelhouse for my own physical, emotional and mental healing and well-being.  I had really been struggling with stomach issues, so I thought, maybe Reiki would help ease my ongoing difficulties.   Also, I figured, it couldn't hurt tackling my ongoing fears and anxieties of keeping my type-2 diabetes into remission.  Why not, right?

For those of you who are not familiar with Reiki, I'll give you a little background on it.  Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It was discovered in the early 1900's by Dr. Mikao Usui.  Reiki is administered by "laying on hands", which has been practiced for thousands of years.  Reiki is a very simple, yet powerful technique that can be learned by anyone. The word Reiki is derived from two Japanese words..."Rei", which means "Spiritual Wisdom", and "Ki", which means "Life Energy".  Therefore, Reiki can be defined as "spiritually-guided life energy".  Reiki guides itself from the God-Consciousness wisdom.  It does not require the direction of the practitioner.  Reiki flows through the practitioner automatically.  It has its own intelligence and knows where to go.  The practitioner is not actually doing the healing, so he/she will never be in danger of taking on the karma of the client.  It can never cause harm-it's always helpful.  One of the nice things about giving Reiki to others, too, is that while the client receives the healing energy, so does the practitioner at the same time!  And, of course, the practitioner can give him/herself self-treatment.  Works just as well! 

I was fortunate enough, after doing a little bit of searching, to find a Reiki Master in my area who would be able to get me started along my journey with the Reiki I Attunement.  Her name is Lisa.  Very kind and gentle soul, easy-going, and not too expensive!  Only one class for the attunement and a follow-up meeting three weeks later to answer questions.  Lisa was kind enough to allow me to pick an outdoor spot where I would like the attunement to take place.  I chose a lovely gazebo overlooking the Squamscott River.  Bald eagles, cormorants, and an abundance of striper are commonplace there.  There is a lovely walking path that goes through the area where my husband and I like to walk at times.  Perfect!

What is a Reiki Attunement?  Reiki is not taught in the way other healing techniques are.  The ability is transferred to the student from the Reiki Master.  During the attunement, The God-Consciousness makes adjustments in the student's chakras and energy pathways to accomodate the ability to channel Reiki and then links the student to the Reiki source.  It's like an official meet-and-greet.  "Reiki...meet Donna.  Donna...meet Reiki".  Once a student receives an attunement, he/she will have Reiki for the rest of their life.  Reiki never wears off, it will never be taken away or lost.  One attunement per level is really all one needs to be a practitioner, however, you can go on to a second level or Master level if you wish.  The Second level, for example, uses symbols...with that level you can send Reiki remotely to anyone, anywhere in the world.  Neat, huh?  The Master level is where you can give attunements to others.  

The attunement was a very powerful experience for me.  It started a cleansing process that affected my physical body and my emotions.  Toxins that were stored in my body began to release.  I was headachy and tired after the attunement and during the three-week practice thereafter.  I had also noticed some feelings of unworthiness, pent-up anger, anxiety bubble up, as well.  But, these sensations gradually subsided as my body adjusted and cleared. 

In order to receive my Reiki I Practitioner certificate, I was to Reiki myself for two-hours, and Reiki other people for two-hours.  Each time a Reiki session was performed, I would record the results in a journal.  I recorded which areas of the body I did Reiki, how long the session was, and what sensations, if any, came up. The people I gave Reiki to, my daughter, my husband and my neighbor, reported feeling heat, tingling, pins and needles, relaxation, muscle twitching.  These sensations lasted long after the Reiki session took place.  These sensations are commonplace, which gave me the confidence knowing it actually was happening!   My neighbor actually gave me a beautiful Reiki stone after the session, which I carry with me daily for an extra oomph of healing energy.

Three weeks later, I was awarded my certificate...I was now an Usui-Tibetan Reiki I Practitioner!  This filled me with great joy.  Knowing I can help others achieve another level of healing, along with this blog, made me feel like I had found my life purpose.  At this point, however, because of Covid, I'm not going to really push the issue onto people.  There is still a general sense out there of "Don't get too close!", which I totally understand.  I plan on using my Reiki on family members, myself, or others if they inquire and are open to it, volunteer-basis only.  I would really just like to boost my confidence first, and see where it goes from there.  I am just completely grateful I found Reiki and I can have it in my life forever!

As far as my own Reiki healing...after each session I always feel a general sense of calm, much like after a  meditation session.  My stomach issues definitely have taken a positive turn, as well.  Not perfect, but, I believe, there is progress happening.

Well, that's it for this week!  I hope you enjoyed this post!  I'll be back next week, God willing, and, my hope is I'll continue with these blog posts more regularly. 

Be a butterfly!🦋  

Stress Reduction Techniques-VOLUME 4-THE CARE AND FEEDING OF PLANTS

This is definitely the newest and the most surprising stress technique I have ever found.  Surprising, because, in my past life, I killed every plant I touched.  I did NOT have a green thumb, or the proverbial Midas Touch when it came to taking care of plants.  Every plant I touched basically turned to brown, not gold.  I over-watered, under-watered,  put plants in shady areas where they were supposed to be in full sun, didn't deadhead dead flowers regularly, etc.

Then, the pandemic hit.  

I found myself alone, at home, with nothing to do.  Yes, I worked out.  Yes, I meditated.  Yes, I watched QVC.   But, it was so cold and dreary outside, I began to daydream about Spring and Summer with all the beautiful flowers and trees in bloom and green grass everywhere.  I looked around my house, wondering if I could somehow bring some cheeriness into it, to tide me over until the warm, sunny weather came. 

Suddenly, my sorry-looking plants started to talk to me.  Yes, talk to me.  No, I'm not nuts.  Especially the new succulent I had received as a birthday gift from my co-workers.  Poor ladies, they had no idea I was a plant-killer.  Anyways, the succulent, which I believe was the newly proclaimed leader of the plant group started up the conversation.  Looking up at me with its sad succulent eyes, it begged..."Take care of us, will ya?  Water us, will ya?  But, remember, not too much!  Google the directions...you know how to Google, don't you?  You're on your phone enough!  You're home now, for crying out loud, look at us for a change!"

"OK...OK...I get it!"  (Did I actually say that out loud?)  

So, I started to feel the soil in each of my plants.  Boy, you really are dry, aren't you?  Woops.  I loved how the soil felt on my fingers.  I could actually feel the energy.  It was soothing, calming.  I googled how to take care of succulents, christmas cacti, gerber daisies, mums.  Interestingly enough, all my plants were gifts. I realized I have never bought a plant of my own, for my own enjoyment. I guess I just never had the self-confidence to know I could care for a plant. Metaphor for my life, perhaps? Something to ponder...


After I got my plants sufficiently watered, I studied the sunlight requirements of each of my plants. I made sure I gave each plant the proper sunlight they needed specific to their needs. During the day, as the sun moved across the sky, I would take note as to where the sunniest spot would be and literally pick up my plants and move them in the sun. Much to my delight, the plants responded well, growing exponentially. So much so, that before long my husband actually had to transplant my succulent into a bigger pot. I could audibly hear the "sigh" from the succulent as it had more room to stretch out its roots.

Now, every Mother's Day my husband would buy me a hanging plant...preferably petunias.  I loved petunias, but, for some reason I could never seem to keep it alive into the fall.  It would always go to seed very quickly, even though I would deadhead it and water it, and keep it in the sun.  Well, this year's petunia was no exception.  It started out as a gorgeous, vibrant, lush red-flowered one.  But, it started to go to seed quicker than even all the past ones.  What was I doing wrong?  This time, I went back to my friend, the trusty Google, and looked up the information on how to care for petunias.  Turns out, when thunderstorms hit that contain a lot of wind and/or rain, or if it becomes too hot, you have to shelter it.  Either bring it in the house or put it under something.   Oh.  I never knew that.  Woops, again.  Next, petunias love to be fed with a plant food, along with watering and deadheading.   Oh. I don't have plant food.   So...I commissioned my husband to buy me some Miracle Gro plant food, and I began to perform surgery on my petunia.  Every day I methodically cut out the dead stems and seeds.  I made sure once a week I would feed it, then I decided to feed my indoor plants too!  Why not?  

Well...wouldn't you know...all my plants are thriving.  My petunia is making a comeback.  My indoor plants are growing so fast.  In the fall, I'm going to have my husband transplant one of my christmas cacti into a bigger pot.  I'm even thinking of filling out a job application to a beautiful greenhouse/store that is about a half a mile from my house.  I could walk there!  Hey...need some help?  I'll water your plants!  You never know, right?

What is the moral of this story?

I have realized that there is a philosophical metaphor at play here.   The care and feeding of plants is not unlike the care and feeding of people.   Each plant, like each person, is unique.  Each responds to care and nurturing in their own way.  What works for one person, or species of plant, may not work for another.  Diligence, patience, trial and error, confidence.  These are the qualities a caretaker needs to help a withering plant thrive, a sick child regain health,  a suffering, battered person heal from old emotional wounds. 

You cannot imagine the sense of satisfaction, self-confidence and joy that hits me deep in my soul meticulously nurturing and grooming my plant "babies".  It has securely made me realize that I am, indeed, a nurturer, a healer, a caretaker, a teacher.  This is my core being.  This is who I was meant to be.  This is my role in life.  Be it plants, children in a day school, or helping others achieve wellness with my blog.  Seeing a new bud on a plant, a new green leaf spring forth, making a shy child belly-laugh, or listening to and helping my own family members.   The joy, peace, and fulfillment is boundless and limitless.

This is me.

Until next week...Be a butterfly!🦋

 

Stress Reduction Techniques- VOLUME 3-HOBBIES

As much as it is extremely important to be diligent and somewhat serious in maintaining a good exercise and meditation program to combat and alleviate higher-than-normal stress levels, it is equally, if not more, important to have fun.  And, when I mean fun, I mean, belly-laughing, constant smile-on-your-face fun.  Something to turn to when the stress of the day becomes so overwhelming all you want to do is eat your way through the house, or jump off the nearest bridge.  I have found three joy-producing hobbies in my life of which I will never let go.  I would love to share these with you all, in hopes that you can find your own hobbies, or even adopt one of mine!

🍭CANDY CRUSH🍭 

I was first introduced to this beautiful Iphone app sent from Heaven about, I would say, 5 years ago.  I remember it was Christmas, and my niece had started playing it.  She showed me how to download the app, and how to play.  I was immediately hooked.  I remember thinking-"She's already at level 500?  I'll never get there!"  Well, I'm here to tell you, and happy to say, I am at level 3,164.  Thank you very much.

The rules of the game are simple.  You get 5 chances, or lives, to match like colors of candies by swiping your finger across the phone screen.  You get a certain number of moves on each life.  You swipe like candies until you clear all the jelly on the board, within the move limit.  If you clear the board, within the move limit, you then move on to the next level.  (And, you do the obligatory happy dance.)  But, if you fail to clear the board within the 5 lives you are given, you have to wait until you get another life...25 excruciating minutes.  That's the painful part.  I find, when I have to wait for another life, that's usually when I go to the bathroom.  You think I'm kidding?  

But, wait! There's oh, so much more.  You get daily boosters, like the lollipop hammer, (my favorite) which crushes any stubborn candy in your way.  There are constant contests, where you can win lives, win extra boosters or gold bars.  Gold bars help you win more boosters.  Get the idea?  It's all about the boosters, baby!  During the beginning stages of the pandemic, Candy Crush even gave each registered player a FULL WEEK OF UNLIMITED LIVES!!!!  I was in blissful ecstasy.  Of course, I didn't talk to anyone in my household for that week.  There's also a permanent indentation on my couch from where I constantly sat.  But, it's all good now.  (I think.)

🖍ADULT COLORING BOOKS🖍

When I was little, I loved to color in coloring books.  I loved to doodle and draw.  Along the way, however, when the struggles of daily existence took hold, I lost that creative interest.  In fact, I never even thought about drawing until I had children of my own.  I started to paint and doodle with them, and really enjoyed it.  I especially loved to draw with sidewalk chalk, which I still do.  In fact, nowadays when I see sidewalk chalk in the neighborhood or at work, I tend to get really excited.  (I also tend to steal pieces of chalk to draw with-don't judge.)  The other day, in fact, while on our walk, I noticed a box of HUGE sidewalk chalk the size of cucumbers in a driveway.  I pointed it out to my husband..."Look at that!"  Which reminds me, I gotta go buy me some of those.  I wonder where I could get them?  Maybe Walmart?   I'll google that.

But I digress...

Anyways...back to coloring books.  Last Christmas (is Christmas a developing theme here?) my brother-in-law and his girlfriend bought me an adult coloring book with crayons.  When I say adult, I mean, it has swear words written all over it.  I'm telling you, my heart leapt for joy.  At first, I laughed hysterically.  Then, I started to feel a little intimidated flipping through the pages because the designs were so intricate.  I remember thinking, "It'll take me forever to draw one page!  I'll get too frustrated and bored."  Well, I'm here to say, yet again, I am almost done with the book and cannot wait to get another one. (Hint-hint, Kyle and Kellee?)  My husband has invested in colored pencils for me to use for the more intricate designs.  I also make it a point to take pictures of each page I finish and text them to members of my family...including my mother-in-law.  She's my biggest fan, by the way.  I was a little nervous that she would be offended by the swear words.  NOPE.  She actually is quite pleased with my work, and encourages me to keep going.  The one I will post here, she says looks like a "doilie".  Hilarious. 

📺QVC📺

If you haven't heard about QVC, you really should look it up.  QVC is the original home shopping channel which started on cable television back in 1986.  I am really dating myself here...I was 19 years old.  Or, as I like to say, when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth.  (I had a pet T-Rex named Fluffy.  Again, don't judge.) 

QVC is one of those pleasures in life where you can sit back, relax with a cup of coffee, and enjoy, even if its just to shut out life momentarily.  It has four channels...QVC is the main channel.  QVC 2 has different programming, but sometimes replays shows.  QVC 3 is all prerecorded shows.  So, you can watch your favorite presenter or program three times in one day if you want!  Beauty IQ is an all-beauty channel, where it showcases hair, makeup, and accessories only.  I don't get Beauty IQ on my cable lineup, unfortunately.  When the pandemic hit,  I found myself alone in the house, no job, nothing to do but clean.  I wanted to avoid the news at all costs, because I did not want the depressing news to cause any more anxiety in me.  I found myself turning the TV on and watching QVC more and more to escape the harsh realities of the day.  Recently, we changed our cable lineup to save some money, but I made sure I was able to still have the cheapest cable package WITH QVC!  That's how much I need it in my life.   Obsessed?  Yup.

From Jane Treacy's bubbly, upbeat, over-the-top personality and her love of shoes, to Angel Smedley's beautiful and eloquent way of carrying on the torch of Jeanne Bice's Quacker Factory.  To Kim Gravel and her way of empowering women at any age and at any size with her gorgeous, boutique-inspired clothing and exquisite beauty line.  She laughs, she cries, unabashedly.  She's a genuine, caring human.  To Carolyn Gracie and Gary Goben for their wonderful Denim and Co. casual clothing line, helping women at any stage of life be comfortable, and yet on trend.  I love Gary's hashtag #instantskinny.  I wonder if you can put that hashtag on your mirror...do you think it'll help?  To Jennifer Coffey-yoga instructor, single mother, motivating women to love and empower themselves without abandon.  To Kerstin Lindquist, who is so amazingly inspiring about her struggles with infertility, putting it out there with her books.  She's a wonderful, talented writer, who helps inspire me to keep on with my writing.  She loves her God, loves her family, loves fitness!  I relate to her in a lot of ways.  And of course, to Isaac Mizrahi (or as my husband calls him Alex...he can never remember his name) and his amazing lace pull-on wide-leg pants.  I wonder if the black ones are still available?   I'll have to look on the app.

OK...well...that's just a few of my favorite things!  I challenge you to find a new hobby, or fall back in love with a hobby you used to enjoy!  The joy and satisfaction hobbies will bring you will trump any anxiety, any depressing thought, any sadness you might feel at that moment. 

Try it!  You'll Like it!

Until next week...be a butterfly!🦋 

Stress Reduction Techniques-VOLUME 2 : MEDITATION

Back in the winter, before the pandemic hit, I was working at my Children's Center with the two-year olds.  It was a cold, snowy day, and all the teachers were outside with the kids getting some needed fresh air.  I do not remember how the conversation started, but the topic of anxiety came up.  One of the newer, young teachers, started talking about how yoga has helped alleviate her anxiety tremendously, and how she was becoming certified as a yoga instructor for children.  I stated to her how I always wanted to try yoga, but I really felt too old to start learning headstands!  I could barely do the mountain pose! ( You know, standing still?)  She then added how she also found a new meditation app on her Iphone called Headspace, and she was working on an anxiety packet presently.  I asked if the app was free, she said yes, I downloaded it, and fell in love!

If you've never heard of Headspace, I urge you to give it a try.  It has done wonders for my mental health!  Once you download the app, you get a free, 10-day Basics package in which you can learn the basics of the practice of meditation.  You can change the duration of the meditations from 3, 5 or 10 minutes long.  Also, there are free videos to watch, daily motivational quotes, and some sleep techniques you can try out.  In order to gain access to the thousands of other packets they offer, however, you do need to buy a membership.  If you are a new member, however, and you have been affected by the pandemic financially, I believe you can get a year subscription for free.

Anyways, after I completed the Basics package, I was hooked, so I decided to buy a membership.  When you buy a membership, the thousands of meditations that can be accessed can go up in duration to 20 minutes long.  I have done a few packages-"Appreciation", "Letting Go of Stress", "Self-Esteem", "Basics 2", and Basics 3".   All of these meditations have helped my brain to calm down, but specifically the ones I have done have helped me appreciate and have gratitude for everything I have in my life, to not worry about the future and stay in the present moment which alleviates anxiety greatly, and to look at negative thought patterns from different perspectives.  Not necessarily changing the negative thought, but allowing the thought to bubble up, be aware of it, and gently allow it to float away.  The discomfort of the thought naturally lessens over time, and the mind eventually lets it go.  These meditations have been extremely helpful during this time of crisis, where the stress levels in my household have been highly elevated.  If you think about it, however, stress levels have been elevated to dangerous levels on a global scale, as well.  It's in every household, in one form or another.  How great would it be for each person on the planet to meditate for just three minutes a day!  What a difference this would make in the world!  I believe the next package I'm going to try is "Happiness".  This meditation helps to find the joy within yourself, while finding the joy in helping others.  Again, very helpful during this time of crisis, where global happiness is surely lacking!

During my meditation journey, I have learned some new techniques.  These are called "Noting", "Body Scan", "Reflection", "Resting Awareness" and Visualization".   I will explain each technique the best I can:

1. Noting:  If you are busy doing a task, like homework, or remote work, and you find your mind drifting off and being distracted, this technique reminds you to become aware of the distracting thought or feeling and say "Oh, yeah, thinking."or, "Oh, yeah, feeling."  Then gently, like a feather touching a crystal glass, bring your attention back to the task at hand.

2.  Body Scan:  This occurs during the beginning of each meditation exercise.  Think of it like the light on a scanner or copier machine.  Start at the top of the head and scan down.  This brings you in touch with your body, bringing you to an awareness of the physical sensations you are experiencing at that moment, and what your general mood is.  It helped me pinpoint that I always carry anxiety in my stomach area.  A very good daily monitoring tool for your mind and body.

3. Visualization:  This technique was the toughest for me.   In the "Stress" meditation, for example, I needed to visualize warm sunlight trickling down from the top of the head like from a shower head and filling up my whole body starting from the toes upwards.  Your body is supposed to feel spacious, warm, light...the qualities of sunlight.  In order for me to achieve this feeling, I had to meditate outside in the sun so I could actually feel the warmth.  Eventually, I figured it out, but it was a challenge.  For you, however, it might be easy!

4. Reflection:  This technique is when you ask a question in the second-person, and the answer bubbles up in spite of itself.  There is no judgement, however, because since the question is asked in the second-person, you don't have any idea what the answer is going to be.  So, there is no preconceived idea of what the answer SHOULD be.  It's like you are conducting an interview with someone you just met off the street.  For example, in "Appreciation", the question posed was "Who, or what, are YOU most grateful for in YOUR life right now?"  There is no judgement on what your answer should be.  There is no judgement if you don't feel ANY gratitude at that moment.   Just whatever bubbles up.  A very interesting tool to help you get in touch with your feelings in a non-judgmental way. 

5: Resting Awareness:  Now, this was my all-time favorite technique I learned.  Which is interesting, because its an advanced technique, and supposedly very difficult to master.  I found it very easy!  When you meditate, you usually focus on one anchoring thing.  Your in-flow and out-flow of breath, for instance.  For me, to focus, I usually count my breaths from one to ten, then back to one.  Inhale-one, exhale-two, etc.  You do this for a while, then, you actually let go of any focus and give yourself permission to let your mind "be free".  To allow it to do anything it wants.  If it wants to think, you let it think.  I found, after letting go of the focus of the breath, my mind just sat there, like it just zoned out.  Maybe I listened to the birds chirping, or cars driving by, but otherwise, it just rested.  My mind was actually resting!  WWWHHHAAATTT???  Not doing the constant somersaults of anxiety and worry which had always been the case!?  Very refreshing, to say the least.   

So, in conclusion, try meditation.  Try it in any form.  You don't need to get an app, by the way.  Sit on the sand at the beach and listen to the waves, or go beach combing.  Go for a walk in nature.  Sit in a hammock and sway back and forth, listening to the birds.  Sit on your back deck and thank God for this beautiful blue sky you are witnessing.  Whatever it takes to allow your mind to key down, chill out, unwind, relax.  

🙌Its all good.  Really it is.🙌

See you next week!  Stay well!

Be a butterfly...🦋

Stress Reduction Techniques...VOLUME 1-EXERCISE

In looking back over this two-year journey of striving for, and ultimately attaining, physical wellness, I have realized that achieving mental and emotional wellness is just as important for my overall health as physical wellness.  Maybe even more important.  I thought about it long and hard...what techniques did I frequently use these past two years to help me achieve my goals of diabetes remission, weight loss, and removal of physical and mental health medications?  There were quite a few, actually!  So, instead of writing one blog post brushing lightly and quickly over all the techniques I used, I thought I would go in depth into each technique and break them up into volumes.   The order in which I write about my external supports are not particular.  Just only about what I feel comfortable writing about at this present moment.

Today, the support I feel comfortable writing about is EXERCISE.

I was first introduced to Leslie Sansone and her Walk At Home program back in 1998.  I have been wracking my brain trying to remember where the hell did I buy this VHS tape?  There was no Amazon, no online shopping of any kind at that time.  There was no Walmart in my area.  I cannot, for the life of me, remember where I bought the tape.  But, anyways, I guess that doesn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things.  It was called "One-Mile Super Calorie and Fat Burner with Weights."  Basically, it was walking in place, doing some basic, easy moves, no dancing or jumping around required, and using light hand weights.  I loved the idea that anyone could tailor their workouts to their specific needs.  She kept saying throughout the whole workout (I'm paraphrasing here) "you can't get it wrong", "just go back to walking in place if you don't like any of the moves", "you can still get a great workout without the weights", "it's the beat of the music that gets you fit, not the moves".  This easy-going approach to exercise sucked me right in.  I could get a safe and effective workout in my own home, even at 300 pounds!  I didn't have to drive anywhere!  I didn't have to get all dressed up in little matching spandex outfits, do my hair, put on makeup, and feel like you're on display in a gym.  No competition, no comparison, no seeing your full body image in surrounding mirrors, no embarrassment.  I could workout all four seasons of the year, in any kind of weather!  NO EXCUSES!  It was perfect!

Over the years, I collected a bunch of Leslie's workouts.  I watched them on Exercise TV, I bought them at Walmart.  The old VHS tapes I had I converted to DVD.  I worked my way up to 2-mile, 30 minute workouts every day, which I still do religiously.  There were days I even did 3 or 4-mile workouts, if I had the time.  Sometimes I used weights, sometimes not.  Sometimes, Leslie incorporated other facets of fitness in her DVD's like kickboxing, strength training (lunges, sit-ups, leg-lifts) and jogging.  I experimented with them all and I loved them all!  

Back in April, when I started this blogging adventure, I decided to write an email to Walk At Home and give them my testimony.  I had no expectations...I didn't even expect a response!  But, it still felt good inside to write to them to thank them for the help and support I got from their exercise programs.  Surprisingly, they wrote me back!  They asked me for a before and after picture and my t-shirt size.  I was thrilled, because I thought I was going to get a t-shirt in the mail.  Little did I know, they put my testimony and my before and after pictures on their social media, and sent me a HUGE box of goodies!  DVD's, a water bottle, t-shirts, fitness bands!  They sent a hand-written note, calling me a super-walker!  I was beyond ecstatic! And so grateful!  Through the social media post Walk At Home put up, I ended up meeting a few, really nice ladies who have kept in touch with me, read my blog and kept up with my Instagram and YouTube.  Walk At Home even follows little ole' me on Instagram!  Leslie Sansone is an earth angel.  She has been a life-saver.

Now, I have incorporated Leslie's HIIT training into my repertoire...High-Intensity-Interval-Training.  She sent me two of these DVD's, and I reluctantly gave them a try.  HIIT training consists of short boosts of high-impact exercise, like jogging, jumping jacks, twists, bouncing, etc. followed by slow recovery.  There are about three boosts in a 30-minute period.  It really brings your fitness level up to new heights.  I didn't think I could even do it, but I do it!  Twice a week!  It's hard, but I still manage.  Still, I have to admit, the original 1998 VHS-converted-to-DVD workout it still my favorite one!  I love it when Leslie cracks a joke, or laughs her goofy laugh.  Without fail, she makes me smile, in spite of myself. 

I also am a firm believer in doing a variety of exercise.  Variety keeps your body guessing and adapting.  Different types of exercise helps keep your body from falling into a plateau, or getting a repetitive-motion injury.  Walking outside, using the exercise bike, and hiking are my other favorite forms of exercise.  I go outdoor walking, whether around the cul-de-sac, around the adjoining neighborhood,  through the downtown park, or hiking a trail.  My daughter has joined me in outdoor walks, as well.  Hopefully, a couple of my friends will start taking walks with me, too.  God bless the exercise bike!  It has definitely been an excellent support for me if I have an injury of some sort.  As I mentioned in a past blog post, I'm still healing from a hamstring injury, and the bike has been great therapy for that.  I've also had issues with my left ankle and foot over the years...numerous sprains, and tendontitis.  The bike has been wonderful for therapy and healing of my ankle and foot.  And, just like Walk At Home, you can use the bike all four seasons, in any kind of weather.  

Again, NO EXCUSES!  You just gotta do it!

Well...that's it for today!  The sun is coming out.  I think I'll take a walk over to the pool at my condo complex and do my next stress reduction technique that I will talk about next week...MEDITATION!

Have a wonderful week!

Be a butterfly...🦋

The Willow vs. The Mighty Oak

If there ever was a theme for my life these past 26 months it is perseverance in the face of hardship.  What comes to mind is the metaphor of the willow tree, blowing with the wind, not against it, as opposed to the sturdy, inflexible mighty oak, which tends to snap at a stiff wind.  Or a tornado.  Ahhh, a tornado...now there's a fitting image to my story!

The latest instance of testing my perseverance is my hamstring injury.  Four weeks ago, I came in from an outdoor walk, and started to do my leg stretches, like I always do.  SNAP!  I felt a sudden, sharp pain in the side of my left knee.  Immediately, dread and fear began to fill up my stomach.  Then, the irrational thoughts began to fill up my head...

"Oh, no, what if I tore something?  I won't be able to exercise for weeks!"

"If I won't be able to exercise, my blood sugar will go up!"

"If my blood sugar goes up, I'll have to go back on medication!  Maybe even insulin!"

"If I go back on medication, I'll be a failure!  All this hard work will be for naught!"

"Then, my anxiety and depression will come back...will I have to go back on Prozac?"

"Oh my God, all this money we'll have to spend on doctor's bills, MRI's, prescriptions!  We have two college tuition bills to pay for!"

"Well, if all that happens, screw it!  I'll just go back to eating like a pig.  I'm a failure, anyways.  Who cares?  Hey, I'll just increase my insulin, right?"

"But wait...I'll gain all my weight back!"

 "Oh no!  What do I do???  HELP!!!!!!"

UGH!

These thoughts kept rolling over and over and over again in my head for hours, and into a sleepless night.  So draining and exhausting.

The next morning, I limped downstairs sad, defeated, and tired.  I sat down, and had some coffee.  Then, after I had indulged all I possibly could in this negative thinking, I suddenly remembered the image of the willow tree, and started to slowly have some clarity in the situation.

"Ok, Donna, relax.  It's not the end of the world."

"Ice, heat, elevate, ibuprofen for a couple of days.  Give your body a rest from exercise.  After all, rest is as good for your body as constant exercise is."

"If it doesn't feel better in a couple of days, then call the doctor."

"In the meantime, have faith.  Chill out.  Can't worry about things until you need to."

"And if surgery is needed, be grateful we have the health insurance to take care of it, and I have the summer off from work to recuperate."

I immediately began to feel better.

Wouldn't you know it?  In two days the pain subsided significantly, and I slowly started to exercise again.  First, I did Leslie Sansone's 1-mile walking DVD's just walking in place, none of the fancy moves.  After dinner, I went on the exercise bike and moved methodically for as long as I could stand to, around 10 minutes or so.  I did this for a week.  I noticed my leg feeling less and less pain and more strong, so I increased my walking DVD workouts to two miles, just walking in place, and increased the bike to 15 minutes, moving faster.  I did this for a week.  Then, I went back to the 1-mile walking workouts doing all the fancy moves, like side-steps, kick-back, knee-lifts, etc. and continued to ride the bike at night, for 15 minutes.  I did this for a week.  Finally, this week, yesterday, to be exact, I started my 2-mile walking workouts with all the fancy moves!  I'm going to still continue to ride the bike at night until next week, however.  Then, my plan is to start walking outside at night after dinner at a slow pace, and build up from there.  My leg is stiff at times, but there's no more pain.  The stiffness moved from the side of my knee to the back of my leg, which shows it wasn't a knee tear but a hamstring strain from overuse.  Thank God.  No surgery, no doctor's visits.  Just perseverance was needed to be applied.  AGAIN.

Interestingly, during all of this emotional and physical mayhem, another emotion had started to fill up my mind, replacing my fear and dread.  It was gratitude. 

"I am grateful I have this exercise bike!"

"I am grateful for Leslie's DVD's because you can customize your own workout! Like she always says 'You just can't do it wrong!'"

"I am grateful I'm not working this summer so that I can take care of myself, and yet still am getting paid through the pandemic!  Not everyone can say that.  I'm pretty lucky!"

"I am grateful that, if I did have to go to the doctor, or have surgery, yes, it would have been inconvenient.  But, we would have had the financial means and medical insurance to take care of the bills!"

"I am grateful that my husband listens to me rant and rave and cry and gives me sage advice and unwavering support!"

"I am grateful that I did not succumb to old eating habits, my eating-disorder!  I stayed strong!  I kept checking my blood sugar.  I continued with my low-carb meal regimen.  I kept my self-care going!"

I truly believe I have broken the cycle completely now.  I'll never go back to making past mistakes.  I definitely think I have grown substantially throughout this journey.  I'll only look back briefly from time to time to see how far I've come.  But, my focus now is living in the present moment.  Just keeping my eye on the 24-hours I have in front of me and letting the rest unfold naturally.  Without fear and anxiety.  Such a relief!

  

It surely feels like I've been tested over and over again these past 26 months.  Diabetes diagnosis.  Tooth surgeries. A breast cancer scare.  Now, injuries both avoidable and unavoidable.  I'm not getting any younger, you know!  These "tests" are going to keep coming.  Relentlessly.  That's just life!  But, I have to be steadfast in remembering the metaphor of the willow tree.  And with sheer will, determination and gratitude, I will pass each "test" with flying colors.  

Maybe even get an A+!

Until next week, stay well and safe!

Be a butterfly...🦋

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My Eating Plan

So, I have had some people ask me what my specific daily meal plans were.  I've been really enjoying putting up my "What's For Dinner, Donna?" videos up on Instagram and YouTube that shows everyone what I'm having for dinner every night.  It's been a fun way of interacting with people while trying to be goofy and laugh a little at the same time with my family's "carb foibles".   There seems to be a need, however, for people to see my meal plan written out.  Maybe because they don't have Instagram or YouTube, or maybe its an easier way to follow the plan...it can be printed out, hung up on the refrigerator, whatever the case may be.

So...here I go...

Oh, and I should say before I begin that I am not a believer in counting calories or fat grams.  I ONLY count the carb content.  However, I usually reserve high-fat, low-carb foods, like cheeses, red meat and nuts, and condiments like mayonnaise and salad dressings, to special occasions, or going out to dinner.

BREAKFAST:  I usually have a piece of fruit and greek yogurt.  Usually my fruit of choice is a green apple, but recently I have decided to go with frozen berries.  Strawberries to be exact.  I've decided to cut down my carb content a little more in the morning, and I have read a lot of studies that say berries are the best fruit to eat for diabetics.

One medium green apple-25 g carb 

One cup frozen strawberries-13 g carb

Greek Yogurt-3 g carb.  My choice of yogurt is Dannon Two-Good.  Lowest carb greek yogurt I can find with 12 g of a protein power punch per container.

LUNCH:  My lunch is actually a low-to-no-carb snack.  I eat one hard-boiled egg, and a lean, white-meat protein.  Chicken, turkey, ham, etc.  Three days a week I have tuna to get my omega-3's in.  Each of these choices have little to no carbs.  For condiments I usually have yellow mustard, and red-wine vinegar.  These condiments have no carbs at all and health benefits, like turmeric, that helps ease inflammation.

DINNER:  I eat a lean, white-meat protein and vegetables.  I love riced cauliflower and broccoli, sauteed peppers and onions, zucchini noodles, grilled whole onions, salads.  For condiments, I use olive oil, butter spray, lots of spices, like cumin, chili powder, basil, onion and garlic powder.  Of course, red wine vinegar, and yellow mustard.  The highest carb content in my dinner falls to the vegetables.  One bag of riced cauliflower and broccoli-16 g carb.  I eat the WHOLE bag!  This is my miracle vegetable because not only is it low in carbs, it is packed full of vitamins and makes me feel really energetic, strong and healthy!  Give them a try!

SNACKS:  I do not eat snacks.  I stick to three meals a day, because if I did snack, it would trigger a bingeing cycle, so I avoid snacking at all costs.  Diabetic food counselors recommend having a snack at bedtime, but that did nothing for me, except make me hungrier and didn't lower my morning fasting blood sugars anyways.  But, to each their own.  If snacking helps keep you full in between meals, then great!  Just make good choices.  

Now, as I have said in the past, it is worth repeating...I AM NOT A DOCTOR!  I am only showing you what has worked for me.  What works for me may not work for you.  But, if it can guide you and give you inspiration to try new foods, take different approaches, spur you on to contact a doctor or nutritionist to see what plan works for you, then awesome!

I will, however, leave you with these undisputable facts...

1.  Remove processed sugar from your diet.  Your body does not need it to survive.  Sugar is addicting.  Just get rid of it.  There will be a withdrawal period, like any addicting substance.  But, once you get over that hump, you will feel much freer, lighter, healthier, better.  Your weight will reflect the change.

2.  Cut out one grain-based carb.  I have cut out ALL grains from my diet.  Start with one you know you can live without.  Then, once you feel comfortable with that, try another.  Maybe you only need to cut one carb out.  Maybe you can change to whole-grains.  Only you can decide which route to pursue.  But, again, your weight will reflect the change.

3.  Get out and walk, every single day, for at least 5 minutes.  Work your way up to 10 minutes, 15 minutes, etc.  You will begin to have more confidence, build strength, endurance, mental clarity.  Walking is the medicine of life, as Leslie Sansone says!  I fully subscribe to that belief!

I hope this helps you all, in some small way, to inspire you to reach your mental, physical, and fitness health goals!  

Have a great week!  Stay well!

Be a butterfly...🦋 

Forgiveness...And All That That Implies...

So...I have to be honest here.  I started this blog with the sole intention of explaining my two-year journey to Type-2 Diabetes remission so that I could help and inspire others. I had made the intention before I even started that I would do this project without blaming anyone, without calling anyone out.  I really wanted to explain my journey from my point of view, to show the cause and effect of my own actions, and nothing else, no one else's.  Surprisingly, ironically, in the course of these past 10 weeks and past 10 blog posts, old feelings, memories, regrets have bubbled up.  They have bubbled up full-force.  They have continuously slapped me upside the head.  They are saying to me, "WTF are you waiting for?  Get on with it, girl, won't you?  For crying out loud?"

So, here we go...

FORGIVENESS.

Not only forgiveness in others, but forgiveness in myself.  

I finally have to release the old, decrepid, maggot-filled, stinky, moldy, festering, pus-filled emotional pain, trauma and suffering to God, the Universe, or whomever wants to take it.  I have to put all this garbage in a dark-green Glad trash bag, tie it up with a twistie, and throw it in the Universal Dumpster for good.  Because these hurts are a false, limiting story line that don't pertain to me anymore.  Did they ever pertain to me?  Probably not.  Nevertheless, I am now writing a new story line, and the old one has got to go.

So, in doing this forgiveness work, I feel it is time for me to do some "calling-out".  Should I do this?  I don't know what the fallout will be.  But, I'm willing to take that chance.   I'm not going to get into too many specifics here.  Because that would take days.  And I don't have that kind of energy, honestly.  Plus, I gotta eat lunch soon!  Bear with me, please.

I forgive my mother.  As a therapist once told me, she was my first bully.  The love I received from her was conditional.  She had me at 43 years old, which was kind of unheard of back in the 1960's.  I was told by her I was conceived to save a dying marriage.  Which failed a year after I was born.  I was loved and admired when I was thin.  When I gained weight, I was berated, shamed, made fun of.   She refused to display my high school graduation picture because I looked too fat in my graduation gown.  When I moved away after college, I would count the weeks on the calendar before I knew I was going to see her, be it a holiday or whatever, and made sure I starved myself to obtain a certain weight.  That way, I would get her stamp of approval at the front door.  If I did not get the stamp of approval, she would look me up and down in disgust.  The greetings at the front door would set the tone for how the meeting would be.  When I got engaged, my mother told my future husband that she was so happy and lucky he was going to join our family.  The fact that maybe he and his family were was lucky they were getting me?  Those words were never uttered.  In fact, she constantly told me how he would leave me.  There's so much more, but I'm going to end it here.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my father.  I forgive my father for leaving me at one year old.  I've only met him a handful of times.  I am aware through anecdotes that it was not a happy life dealing with my mother.  Whether these anecdotes are true or not, I'll never know.  I believe he tried the best he knew how at the time to stay in my life over the years, but the fact remains...he just didn't try hard enough.  I needed a father.   He wasn't there.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my maternal grandmother.  When I was six years old, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal.  She was ranting and raving and crying over something, I don't know what.  She turned to me and screamed, "I wish you would die right now!" At six years old, how do you process this?  I remember feeling frozen in the chair, full of fear, guilt and shame...for what?  Existing?  Over the years, I have come to realize that she was afraid that because I was around, my mother would not be able to take care of her in her old age.  Although, my mother actually did take extremely good care of her, visiting her weekly, among other things.  This is the best reasoning I can come up with.  I'll never truly know.  I do release you now, however.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my stepfather.  My mother remarried when I was 10 years old.  At first, ehhhh, he was OK, I guess.  We moved to a really nice home in the suburbs with a pool.  My mother seemed happy enough.  I always felt a strange, uneasy vibe from him.  But, it seemed ok.

Then, he touched my breast while drunk.  In front of my mother.  

Then, he started talking about strange things in the car, while he was driving me places, like "Do you know what a shaft is?"

Then he called me a prostitute. (Huh?)

Then, he hit me.  Once.

Then, I was robbed at knife point at a video store I was working at while going to college.  I came home, devastated, crying.  He laughed hysterically.

There's so much more, but, you get the drift.  I do not know if he is still alive.  I haven't laid eyes on him in 25 years.  Probably is still living in that same house.  But, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my brother.  He was not very kind to me.  He was 10 years older than me.  He made fun of my weight a lot.  He died in 1990 at 33 years old in a car accident driving his brand new corvette over 100 miles an hour on a major highway.  No seatbelt.  Overshot an exit, flew out of the roof and hit a tree.  The last conversation I had with him was a week before when we were engaged in a fight.  About what?  No idea.  After he died, I was helping clean out his house.  I was horrified to see that he was actually going through the same thing I was!  He had an eating disorder like me!  He had clothes ranging from size 32 waist to 40 waist.  I knew he took steroids.  I know he always would try to show off to my mother as well, wearing tank tops, showing off his muscles, flexing them, to her utter delight.  So, I think he saw in me a mirror image to what was going on with him emotionally and physically.  I think now we were kindred spirits.  I just wish I was able to talk with him about it.  I do think he would be proud of me to see my accomplishment.  Anyways, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my other siblings for not being around much.  They were so much more older than me...16, 18, years older.  They had lives.  They needed to get the hell out of the house and start their own journeys.   I just wish I wasn't so lonely.  I have heard anecdotes over the years..."We tried to get you, Mom wouldn't let us."  It's all blah, blah, blah to me.  Again, I believe they didn't try hard enough, just like my father.  But, it is what it is.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my sister.  There has been a lot of jealousy, resentment and competition between us over the years.  She had told me, more than once, how I stole her teenage years away from her because she had to help take care of me.  Again...such a burden I was!   Resentment.  Our mother's love and approval.   Competition.  She had two failed marriages, and yet she texted an inappropriate comment to my husband.  Jealousy.    I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive all the people who bullied and made fun of my obesity and my extra tall height in the past.  Too many names to mention here.  Neighbors, classmates, father-in-laws, drive-bys.  There's a huge list. 

I release you now.  You are forgiven.  

There is a Bible verse that my husband has brought to my attention, and is very fitting at this point.  It is from Luke 23:34...

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'  And they divided up his clothes by casting lots."

What does this mean?

You have to forgive, because they have no idea what they are doing.  They have no idea the impact they are having on you.  They are lashing out, to make themselves feel better about themselves.  They are hurting, as well.  They see something in you, some kind of trait or quality you possess they wish they had.  Or, they see something in you that they perceive as weakness, and cutting you down feeds their ego and their self-esteem.  Which is probably lower than yours!  

Inevitably, this Bible verse has opened my eyes and helped me realize finally that, it truly isn't about me.  It's about them.

And so...

I declare that I hereby, finally, after 53 years of wandering this earth, FORGIVE MYSELF.  

I forgive myself for not seeing clearly, and therefore making bad choices in my life to try to deal with the emotional pain.  Then, feeling the extreme guilt over the bad decisions I've made.  Such as, seeking out unwanted attention because I felt unworthy and not validated.  Never being able to accept constructive criticism, and having difficulties holding down a job for more than 3 years because I had no confidence in my abilities and had non-existent self-esteem.  Eating myself into oblivion so that I wouldn't be noticed by men, or anyone for that matter!  Just wanting to fly under the radar, as it were.  The sheer guilt and shame for eating my way to a chronic disease, knowing it could possibly have been avoided.  Feeling cold, frigid, and intolerant inside because I hated the way I look, hated who I was.  Hence, alienating my loved ones around me who could see my worth, and always have. 

I forgive myself for falling out of love with myself.  I realize I have to love and forgive myself first.  Then all relationships, situations, careers, they will all fall into place gently, securely, and easily.  I am moving on with my life RIGHT NOW.

AMEN.

Well...thank you for reading this.  This blog post was extremely tough, but definitely something that needed to be done.  A puzzle piece that was missing, but now is completely put together.  I hope it helps you in some way.  It sure has helped me.

Until next time... Be a butterfly.🦋🦋 

   

     

 

My Low-Carb Pandemic Life

In this trying and highly stressful time of the Covid-19 Pandemic, I have to admit, I got caught up in the panic of it all.  Being 53 years old with Type-2 Diabetes, even though the disease was in remission and I was healthy and strong, I realized the virus could potentially knock me out of remission pretty quickly, and possibly lead me into the hospital.  Which, I wanted to avoid at all costs.  In the middle of March, my job as a Substitute Teacher at a prestigious, local day school was put on indefinite hold, and my children were delegated to finishing their last semesters remotely at home.  My daughter was abruptly uprooted from her dorm at her University, leaving behind all the freedoms that comes with dorm life.  Now, she had to readjust quickly to dealing with Mom and Dad's rules.  Highly stressful for all involved.  Meanwhile, my husband's job was still considered essential, my children's part-time jobs in the grocery/coffee shop industries were also considered essential.  Which left me, being non-essential, sequestered in my home.  Although, my condo never was so clean! 

I have come to realize during this Covid-19 scare, that it is extremely important to have internal and external support systems.  Even if the support comes from 6-feet away, texting from 30 miles away, QVC, The Three Stooges, IPhone apps and exercise DVD's .  My husband has a new title..."In-House Chef and Kitchen Manager of Chez' Cross".  During this pandemic fiasco, not only does he work 50 hours a week, but he also goes to the grocery store two, maybe three times a week, and makes sure all the perishable, low-carb foods I need to have on a daily basis is stockpiled.  Including toilet paper, but we wont go there!  He also cooks the meat I need for the week in a 25-year-old crock pot so that I can divvy up my protein for the week.  This has definitely helped me keep track of my stringent nutritional needs.  

As far as physical and mental exercise goes, I walk after dinner and on weekends, to help me keep on track with my strict exercise routine. My daughter has even started taking up walking, an added bonus!  I also make sure I workout to my favorite aerobic in-home walking DVD's every single day, at least two miles daily (thank you, Leslie Sansone)!  I meditate twenty minutes a day using a wonderful guided meditation app I have found, called Headspace.  (Thank you Andy Puddicombe)!  Daily meditation practice has greatly helped me come to terms with, and let go of, past pain, trauma and suffering that surely has enabled my eating disorder, anxiety and depression. 

Which has led me here, to this blog.

I now realize that Type-2 Diabetes, was a powerful gift to me.  A gift to show me my true calling and potential in this lifetime.  Sometimes we need to hit rock-bottom before we realize we ALL have the power within us to make changes for the positive.  I am hopeful the Covid-19 Pandemic will enlighten others to start their own positive journeys.  Maybe, just maybe, I can be of some service.

Have a great week!  

Stay safe and well, as always.

Be kind to others, please.

Be a butterfly...🦋

Be a butterfly...🦋

Instagram.com/anewdeliciousdonnacross

The End Chapter to My New Beginning...

So...11 months after my diagnosis with Type-2 Diabetes, 3/4/19, I find myself at the office of my PCP for my hbA1c checkup.  My old doctor moved to another practice, so, I had been dealing with a wonderful new set of doctors, physician assistants and nurse practitioners.  Very kind, knowledgeable, reassuring and positive.  In fact, my new senior doctor had told me during one of my visits with him that in 15 years of being in his practice he had never seen anyone turn their health situation around so fast, like I had.  That gave me a sense of pride in myself I hadn't felt in, well, forever!  Anyways, The PA knocked on the door, walked in, sat down in front of me with a slight smile on her face, and told me the news I had only dreamed of hearing for 11 months...

Weight...172 pounds!  Total loss-167 pounds!

AMEN!!!

HbA1c...5.4!

Final diagnosis...TOTAL REMISSION OF TYPE-2 DIABETES!  

I am hereby off of Metformin, Abilify, Prozac.  

I only need to check my sugar once a day.

I only need to visit my nutritionist if I feel I need extra support in the future.  At this point, it was not necessary to go to any more visits.

I am free.

I sat there and cried.  Cried in relief, joy, exhaustion.  I did it.  She told me how proud of she was of me.   I just kept crying...

THE END...

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

It is incredible to me that it took me nine blog entries to get to this moment.  I certainly had a huge amount of baggage to unload, stories to tell, memories to cry over, and people from my past to forgive in the process.  I am well aware that this work will continue on, even after this blog entry.  I still have a lot of untold stories, but there will be more positive stories that will surely come my way.  There will be more memories that will inevitably bubble up only to be processed, and moved on from.  More positive memories, I am sure, will take their place.  There will still be people from my past, and people appearing in my future, that I will need to remember to practice empathy, kindness, gratitude and forgiveness.  But, with practice, comes progress.  I am a work in progress.  I am not perfect.  I know this.   But, in knowing this, I set myself free.   Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.  A caterpillar no more.  Remembering, however, the inherent beauty of a caterpillar.  All God's creations are beautiful, are worthy, have their own purposes, their own paths to move on.   But, man, is it cool to soar like a butterfly!  I ain't gonna lie!  Feeling the lightness, the freedom from burdens of sickness and obesity.   There is nothing like it.  

I realize I will have to keep fighting the fight.  I will always have to be diligent.  This is my new reality, and I now fully embrace and accept it.  I am done with repeating the mistakes of the past.  I cannot become lax, or all my inner demons will surely knock on my "past" door once again..."KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK! I'm baaack!  Remember me?"  Ohhhh...yeah, I remember you.  But, you can't have me back.  Alice doesn't live here anymore.

Until next week...stay safe and well!

Be a butterfly...🦋

"Survey Says......"

8/4/2018-exactly 4 months post-diagnosis...here were the results...

A1c...6.0!  This is considered Pre-Diabetic range, but decreased over 50% in 4 months!

Metabolic Profile...NORMAL!

Hypertension/Cholesterol Profile...NORMAL!

"Well...I'm getting there", I thought.  "The plan is working.  Now, I just have to stay the course."  Which I did.  

Was it tough?  Absolutely.  Even though my cravings for sugary, carb-laden foods slowly diminished, every once in a while the cravings would bubble back up into my psyche.  Especially during very stressful times.

  

Like the time I had a breast cancer scare.

I had my routine mammogram, like I normally had every other year or so.  I've never had any issues, no breast cancer in my family history (that I knew of, anyways).  So, when I received the call that afternoon to have me come in and get rechecked, I was floored.

"Are you frigging kidding me?  Diabetes, mouth surgery, and now this????  This is the last straw.  I can't be dealing with all of this.  Where's the ice cream?"

But, I mustered up what little strength I had left, resisted the temptation to buy a year's worth of Ben and Jerry's (how, I still have no idea), went back to the radiologist, and had a second mammogram.  Surer than shit, they saw something in the mammogram.  A biopsy needed to be done as soon as possible.

Crap.

A couple of days before the biopsy, I met with the surgeon.  A rather young, attractive woman with an interesting accent, who seemed pretty knowledgeable about all things boobs.  She started to perform the breast exam on me, and commented, "You've lost a lot of breast tissue.  You would be eligible for a breast lift.  You might want to consider that."

Ummmm....what?

I was disgusted, disallusioned.  I thought to myself, "A breast lift?  Are you serious?  What are you, from LA or something?  Do you have $50,000 to spare?  Do you really think I care about the fact that my breasts are sagging down to my knees right now?" But, I didn't say anything to her out loud.  I just chuckled, and let her get on with the remainder of the exam.  Although, I really didn't hear what she had to say after that, I was too pissed off.  Her voice was like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons...whah whah whahhhhhh.  In hindsight, I should've told her that a breast lift was the least of my worries, and to just be quiet and get on with the exam, please.  I regret not speaking up at that moment.  Metaphor for my life, though.  How many times in my life should I have spoken up about how I felt when people hurt or disappointed me, instead of internalizing my pain and turning to food for answers, or a sense of comfort.  Coulda, woulda, shoulda.  You live and learn, and try not to repeat the behavior.   It's hard, I have to make a conscious effort to try to speak up these days.  But, I do try. 

Happy to report, the breast biopsy turned out to be negative.  Because I had lost weight so rapidly, there were little granules of fat deposits in my breasts.  Nothing to worry about, just keep on with the annual exams, and move on.  

Phew!

But, this experience was a good learning indicator for me.  I was very proud of myself, that I did not give in to my strong craving of ice cream during this crisis.  Which got me to thinking about how this experience was just another example of the true dynamics of this eating disorder.  It really was all psychological.   I came to really see that carbohydrates and sugar acted like highly-addictive drugs in my body.   When it came down to brass tacks, this addiction was not unlike alcohol, opioids, heroin, etc.  The problem with food addiction, however, is that you do need food to live!  You don't need alcohol, marijuana or heroin to live.  So, the trick, that I finally discovered, is to change your relationship with food.  Decide once and for all that food is fuel, and nothing else.  Simple.  Find the foods that fuel your body, make you feel good inside, give you energy.  Resist the foods that make you feel lethargic, cloudy, bloated, gross.   The perfect analogy is that your body is like a car, and food is the gas.  The better quality the gas, the better the car runs.   High-octane gas with no additives=high quality food with no carbs or sugar. 

BINGO.

Until next week...stay safe and well!

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Be a butterfly...🦋

  

This is what I shoulda said to the doctor!!!

Side Effects May Include...(Parental Guidance Suggested)

So, as I left off from my last blog post, by the end of April, beginning of May, I had started to see some really promising results in the combination of a low-carbohydrate meal plan and Metformin.  I had noticed my weight began to drop significantly, and blood sugar numbers were beginning to come down and normalize a bit.  I felt hopeful that my life was actually NOT going to end as a result of a diabetic coma or a stroke.  Maybe, I'd be able to live to see my grandchildren get married!  I was beginning to get some strength and vitality back, as well, walking every day and sleeping pretty well.

AND THEN...

"DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNN...

The side effects hit.  And they hit HARD.

(I apologize in advance for the TMI part of the blog.)

The first side effect that began to ravage my life was explosive, painful, bowel movements.  I call them "Bouts".  This is a common side effect of Metformin that no one told me about.  The consistency was that of chocolate pudding.  (Sorry, again).  It was like hot lava.  The bouts came out of nowhere, at all hours, without warning.  I literally would sit on the toilet for, sometimes up to, 30 minutes before the convulsions would subside.  The bouts would leave me drained and exhausted.  They had gotten so bad, that I had to always be conscious of my surroundings, making sure that there would be a toilet nearby, just in case the urge would overcome me.  This was particularly difficult at the middle school in which I worked.  I had to always make sure I knew where the closest bathroom was, or to make sure the nurse's office was within running distance to the classroom I was in.  Luckily, the teachers I worked with knew about my recent diagnosis and were very easy-going and kind to me if I had to leave suddenly, or if I had to go check my blood sugar.   There were those times, however, that these bouts reared their ugly-ass heads at extremely inconvenient circumstances. 

Case in point, my daughter's high school graduation. 

I had felt pretty good that day.  No bouts had showed up.  I went to work, came home, worked out, showered and got all dressed up pretty.  We got to the high school and sat down at the bleachers.  It was a gorgeous night, about 75 degrees, slight breeze, the whole stadium was abuzz with excitement.

AND THEN...

"DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNN..."

Like a bolt of lightning from the sky, my stomach started to scream at me.  The pain and cramping hit me like a freight train.  I had to go, and FAST!  What made matters even worse, was I had on three-inch wedges!  Imagine having to run down bleacher stairs in those things!  I thought I was going to break a foot, and have my gastrointestinal explosion right there in front of hundreds of people.  I started thinking to myself, as I finally made it to the bathroom injury-free, "Maybe I should start wearing Depends! Or buy stock in the company.  I'd be the best spokesperson!"  The good news is, though, my bout lasted only about 10 minutes, and I didn't miss any of the crucial parts of the graduation.  I was still able to see my daughter get her diploma on the podium, and all turned out well for the rest of the night.  Although, it still left me exhausted.

There were other times that the bouts showed up inconveniently.  Like road trips.  One particular road trip to my daughter's college we had to stop suddenly for me.  We stopped first at a Burger King.  CLOSED.  Then we arrived at a rest area.  But, it was too late.  By the time I got to the bathroom, well, let's just say I had to throw out my underwear.  The shit literally hit the fan, as it were.  After I cleaned myself up, I walked out of the bathroom with a balled-up pair of underwear wrapped in toilet paper in my purse, and asked the rest area attendant if he had a paper bag.  Looking at me sideways, he handed me one, I went back to the stall, put my underwear in the bag and threw it out in the feminine hygiene receptacle.   I was so embarrassed, but there was absolutely nothing I could do.   From that moment on, I always carried an extra pair of underwear wherever I went.   

Because of the violent nature of these bouts, and the exhaustion and pain I experienced from them, I began to notice they were taking a toll on me mentally, as well.  I started getting a little depressed, and started wanting to treat myself, comfort myself, with food.  Cake, pizza, ice cream.  Anything that would lift my spirits, give me a jolt of energy, give me peace, make me happy, anything.  I started to daydream about cheesecake.  My every waking thought was about cheesecake.  Could I buy it without anyone knowing?  Could I eat it in the car and throw away the container?  Sure, I could!  I just wouldn't check my blood sugar that day, no one would know!  I would fool them all!

But, I would know.  

And I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave in.  

So, I didn't.  I persevered, and moved on. 

Another side-effect of Diabetes that I also had no idea about was Diabetic Neuropathy in unexpected parts of the body.  Now, I was aware that high blood sugars, over time, could cause nerve damage.  Numbness and tingling in the extremities, especially the hands and feet.  What I didn't know, however, was that, in some cases, the nerve damage can mask symptoms of infections in other parts of the body.  Because there is nerve damage, you might not be able to feel pain.  Well, this was going to impact my life in a huge way, come to find out.

It was dinner time on a Thursday night in June, the graduation had come and gone, and I also was out of school for the summer.  My husband had bought one of those prepared rotisserie chickens that I so enjoyed.  I bit into a chicken wing.  SNAP!  What the hell?????  I ran into the bathroom, opened my mouth, and saw my front tooth was dangling from the root!  I screamed...actually almost fainted.  I called the dentist and left an after-hours emergency voice-mail.  Within an hour my dentist called me back, and got me an appointment for the next morning. 

Friday morning I went to the dentist, and he took some x-rays.  Years ago, back in 1989, I had a root canal in my front tooth due to an accident I had had when I was 5 years old.  Well, come to find out, the root canal had finally failed.  The infection had took hold, like, months before, and I had no idea.  My tooth had formed a crack that went all the way to the gum line.  Bacteria made its way in, and systematically ate away at my jaw bone.  Hence, the gum surrounding the tooth died, and my tooth became loose.  I FELT NONE OF THIS!!!  No pain, no discoloration, nothing.  THANK YOU, DIABETES!!!!   Later that week, I met with an oral surgeon.  Ultimately, I had four painful surgeries to rebuild my mouth.  Starting in August of 2018, and finally ending the day before Thanksgiving in 2019 with a new dental implant tooth.  He had to rebuild my jaw bone with bone graphs, repair my gum line and insert the dental implant post.   These surgeries were not only painful, but really tested my fortitude to stay on my meal plan, because I had to be put on a soft diet each time.  It was very difficult to find low-carb soft diet options.  I had to resort to eating bananas and soups, both of which were higher in carbs, but there was nothing I could do about it.  It wasn't like I could drink milkshakes and eat ice cream all day long!  I also couldn't exercise, because I was so beat up.  With the added stress of these surgeries, the pain and suffering, and the guilt I felt because of the unexpected economic impact it was having on my family, especially with one child in college, I could really feel the eating disorder once again trying to creep back in to my life.   "KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!  Here I am, again!  Let me in!"  I started to daydream about ice cream and cheesecake, again.  Screw it all, I thought to myself, especially at night while I was trying to sleep.  I could eat it!  I deserved it!  I just wouldn't test my blood sugar that day and there would be no record of any wrongdoing!  No one would know!  I would fool them all!

But, I would know.

And I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave in.

So, I didn't.  I persevered and moved on.

I am proud to say, looking back, I never gave in to my eating disorder.  I believe experiencing and ultimately journeying through these painful, horrible, debilitating side effects, elevated me to even higher levels of strength and courage, reserves deep within me that I never knew I had.  Knowing I am strong, knowing I am capable, knowing I am worthy of health, has sustained me throughout this journey and will, I am sure, sustain me for a lifetime.

Thank you for reading this post! Please find me on Instagram, as well!  I will be finishing up my "New Leslie Sansone daily DVD challenge" this week on IGTV.  Stay tuned!

Have a great week, and stay safe!

Be a butterfly...🦋

Me, 25 pounds lighter, in June, 2018

Me, sans front tooth!