Forgiveness...And All That That Implies...

So...I have to be honest here.  I started this blog with the sole intention of explaining my two-year journey to Type-2 Diabetes remission so that I could help and inspire others. I had made the intention before I even started that I would do this project without blaming anyone, without calling anyone out.  I really wanted to explain my journey from my point of view, to show the cause and effect of my own actions, and nothing else, no one else's.  Surprisingly, ironically, in the course of these past 10 weeks and past 10 blog posts, old feelings, memories, regrets have bubbled up.  They have bubbled up full-force.  They have continuously slapped me upside the head.  They are saying to me, "WTF are you waiting for?  Get on with it, girl, won't you?  For crying out loud?"

So, here we go...

FORGIVENESS.

Not only forgiveness in others, but forgiveness in myself.  

I finally have to release the old, decrepid, maggot-filled, stinky, moldy, festering, pus-filled emotional pain, trauma and suffering to God, the Universe, or whomever wants to take it.  I have to put all this garbage in a dark-green Glad trash bag, tie it up with a twistie, and throw it in the Universal Dumpster for good.  Because these hurts are a false, limiting story line that don't pertain to me anymore.  Did they ever pertain to me?  Probably not.  Nevertheless, I am now writing a new story line, and the old one has got to go.

So, in doing this forgiveness work, I feel it is time for me to do some "calling-out".  Should I do this?  I don't know what the fallout will be.  But, I'm willing to take that chance.   I'm not going to get into too many specifics here.  Because that would take days.  And I don't have that kind of energy, honestly.  Plus, I gotta eat lunch soon!  Bear with me, please.

I forgive my mother.  As a therapist once told me, she was my first bully.  The love I received from her was conditional.  She had me at 43 years old, which was kind of unheard of back in the 1960's.  I was told by her I was conceived to save a dying marriage.  Which failed a year after I was born.  I was loved and admired when I was thin.  When I gained weight, I was berated, shamed, made fun of.   She refused to display my high school graduation picture because I looked too fat in my graduation gown.  When I moved away after college, I would count the weeks on the calendar before I knew I was going to see her, be it a holiday or whatever, and made sure I starved myself to obtain a certain weight.  That way, I would get her stamp of approval at the front door.  If I did not get the stamp of approval, she would look me up and down in disgust.  The greetings at the front door would set the tone for how the meeting would be.  When I got engaged, my mother told my future husband that she was so happy and lucky he was going to join our family.  The fact that maybe he and his family were was lucky they were getting me?  Those words were never uttered.  In fact, she constantly told me how he would leave me.  There's so much more, but I'm going to end it here.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my father.  I forgive my father for leaving me at one year old.  I've only met him a handful of times.  I am aware through anecdotes that it was not a happy life dealing with my mother.  Whether these anecdotes are true or not, I'll never know.  I believe he tried the best he knew how at the time to stay in my life over the years, but the fact remains...he just didn't try hard enough.  I needed a father.   He wasn't there.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my maternal grandmother.  When I was six years old, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal.  She was ranting and raving and crying over something, I don't know what.  She turned to me and screamed, "I wish you would die right now!" At six years old, how do you process this?  I remember feeling frozen in the chair, full of fear, guilt and shame...for what?  Existing?  Over the years, I have come to realize that she was afraid that because I was around, my mother would not be able to take care of her in her old age.  Although, my mother actually did take extremely good care of her, visiting her weekly, among other things.  This is the best reasoning I can come up with.  I'll never truly know.  I do release you now, however.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my stepfather.  My mother remarried when I was 10 years old.  At first, ehhhh, he was OK, I guess.  We moved to a really nice home in the suburbs with a pool.  My mother seemed happy enough.  I always felt a strange, uneasy vibe from him.  But, it seemed ok.

Then, he touched my breast while drunk.  In front of my mother.  

Then, he started talking about strange things in the car, while he was driving me places, like "Do you know what a shaft is?"

Then he called me a prostitute. (Huh?)

Then, he hit me.  Once.

Then, I was robbed at knife point at a video store I was working at while going to college.  I came home, devastated, crying.  He laughed hysterically.

There's so much more, but, you get the drift.  I do not know if he is still alive.  I haven't laid eyes on him in 25 years.  Probably is still living in that same house.  But, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my brother.  He was not very kind to me.  He was 10 years older than me.  He made fun of my weight a lot.  He died in 1990 at 33 years old in a car accident driving his brand new corvette over 100 miles an hour on a major highway.  No seatbelt.  Overshot an exit, flew out of the roof and hit a tree.  The last conversation I had with him was a week before when we were engaged in a fight.  About what?  No idea.  After he died, I was helping clean out his house.  I was horrified to see that he was actually going through the same thing I was!  He had an eating disorder like me!  He had clothes ranging from size 32 waist to 40 waist.  I knew he took steroids.  I know he always would try to show off to my mother as well, wearing tank tops, showing off his muscles, flexing them, to her utter delight.  So, I think he saw in me a mirror image to what was going on with him emotionally and physically.  I think now we were kindred spirits.  I just wish I was able to talk with him about it.  I do think he would be proud of me to see my accomplishment.  Anyways, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my other siblings for not being around much.  They were so much more older than me...16, 18, years older.  They had lives.  They needed to get the hell out of the house and start their own journeys.   I just wish I wasn't so lonely.  I have heard anecdotes over the years..."We tried to get you, Mom wouldn't let us."  It's all blah, blah, blah to me.  Again, I believe they didn't try hard enough, just like my father.  But, it is what it is.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my sister.  There has been a lot of jealousy, resentment and competition between us over the years.  She had told me, more than once, how I stole her teenage years away from her because she had to help take care of me.  Again...such a burden I was!   Resentment.  Our mother's love and approval.   Competition.  She had two failed marriages, and yet she texted an inappropriate comment to my husband.  Jealousy.    I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive all the people who bullied and made fun of my obesity and my extra tall height in the past.  Too many names to mention here.  Neighbors, classmates, father-in-laws, drive-bys.  There's a huge list. 

I release you now.  You are forgiven.  

There is a Bible verse that my husband has brought to my attention, and is very fitting at this point.  It is from Luke 23:34...

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'  And they divided up his clothes by casting lots."

What does this mean?

You have to forgive, because they have no idea what they are doing.  They have no idea the impact they are having on you.  They are lashing out, to make themselves feel better about themselves.  They are hurting, as well.  They see something in you, some kind of trait or quality you possess they wish they had.  Or, they see something in you that they perceive as weakness, and cutting you down feeds their ego and their self-esteem.  Which is probably lower than yours!  

Inevitably, this Bible verse has opened my eyes and helped me realize finally that, it truly isn't about me.  It's about them.

And so...

I declare that I hereby, finally, after 53 years of wandering this earth, FORGIVE MYSELF.  

I forgive myself for not seeing clearly, and therefore making bad choices in my life to try to deal with the emotional pain.  Then, feeling the extreme guilt over the bad decisions I've made.  Such as, seeking out unwanted attention because I felt unworthy and not validated.  Never being able to accept constructive criticism, and having difficulties holding down a job for more than 3 years because I had no confidence in my abilities and had non-existent self-esteem.  Eating myself into oblivion so that I wouldn't be noticed by men, or anyone for that matter!  Just wanting to fly under the radar, as it were.  The sheer guilt and shame for eating my way to a chronic disease, knowing it could possibly have been avoided.  Feeling cold, frigid, and intolerant inside because I hated the way I look, hated who I was.  Hence, alienating my loved ones around me who could see my worth, and always have. 

I forgive myself for falling out of love with myself.  I realize I have to love and forgive myself first.  Then all relationships, situations, careers, they will all fall into place gently, securely, and easily.  I am moving on with my life RIGHT NOW.

AMEN.

Well...thank you for reading this.  This blog post was extremely tough, but definitely something that needed to be done.  A puzzle piece that was missing, but now is completely put together.  I hope it helps you in some way.  It sure has helped me.

Until next time... Be a butterfly.🦋🦋