The Willow vs. The Mighty Oak

If there ever was a theme for my life these past 26 months it is perseverance in the face of hardship.  What comes to mind is the metaphor of the willow tree, blowing with the wind, not against it, as opposed to the sturdy, inflexible mighty oak, which tends to snap at a stiff wind.  Or a tornado.  Ahhh, a tornado...now there's a fitting image to my story!

The latest instance of testing my perseverance is my hamstring injury.  Four weeks ago, I came in from an outdoor walk, and started to do my leg stretches, like I always do.  SNAP!  I felt a sudden, sharp pain in the side of my left knee.  Immediately, dread and fear began to fill up my stomach.  Then, the irrational thoughts began to fill up my head...

"Oh, no, what if I tore something?  I won't be able to exercise for weeks!"

"If I won't be able to exercise, my blood sugar will go up!"

"If my blood sugar goes up, I'll have to go back on medication!  Maybe even insulin!"

"If I go back on medication, I'll be a failure!  All this hard work will be for naught!"

"Then, my anxiety and depression will come back...will I have to go back on Prozac?"

"Oh my God, all this money we'll have to spend on doctor's bills, MRI's, prescriptions!  We have two college tuition bills to pay for!"

"Well, if all that happens, screw it!  I'll just go back to eating like a pig.  I'm a failure, anyways.  Who cares?  Hey, I'll just increase my insulin, right?"

"But wait...I'll gain all my weight back!"

 "Oh no!  What do I do???  HELP!!!!!!"

UGH!

These thoughts kept rolling over and over and over again in my head for hours, and into a sleepless night.  So draining and exhausting.

The next morning, I limped downstairs sad, defeated, and tired.  I sat down, and had some coffee.  Then, after I had indulged all I possibly could in this negative thinking, I suddenly remembered the image of the willow tree, and started to slowly have some clarity in the situation.

"Ok, Donna, relax.  It's not the end of the world."

"Ice, heat, elevate, ibuprofen for a couple of days.  Give your body a rest from exercise.  After all, rest is as good for your body as constant exercise is."

"If it doesn't feel better in a couple of days, then call the doctor."

"In the meantime, have faith.  Chill out.  Can't worry about things until you need to."

"And if surgery is needed, be grateful we have the health insurance to take care of it, and I have the summer off from work to recuperate."

I immediately began to feel better.

Wouldn't you know it?  In two days the pain subsided significantly, and I slowly started to exercise again.  First, I did Leslie Sansone's 1-mile walking DVD's just walking in place, none of the fancy moves.  After dinner, I went on the exercise bike and moved methodically for as long as I could stand to, around 10 minutes or so.  I did this for a week.  I noticed my leg feeling less and less pain and more strong, so I increased my walking DVD workouts to two miles, just walking in place, and increased the bike to 15 minutes, moving faster.  I did this for a week.  Then, I went back to the 1-mile walking workouts doing all the fancy moves, like side-steps, kick-back, knee-lifts, etc. and continued to ride the bike at night, for 15 minutes.  I did this for a week.  Finally, this week, yesterday, to be exact, I started my 2-mile walking workouts with all the fancy moves!  I'm going to still continue to ride the bike at night until next week, however.  Then, my plan is to start walking outside at night after dinner at a slow pace, and build up from there.  My leg is stiff at times, but there's no more pain.  The stiffness moved from the side of my knee to the back of my leg, which shows it wasn't a knee tear but a hamstring strain from overuse.  Thank God.  No surgery, no doctor's visits.  Just perseverance was needed to be applied.  AGAIN.

Interestingly, during all of this emotional and physical mayhem, another emotion had started to fill up my mind, replacing my fear and dread.  It was gratitude. 

"I am grateful I have this exercise bike!"

"I am grateful for Leslie's DVD's because you can customize your own workout! Like she always says 'You just can't do it wrong!'"

"I am grateful I'm not working this summer so that I can take care of myself, and yet still am getting paid through the pandemic!  Not everyone can say that.  I'm pretty lucky!"

"I am grateful that, if I did have to go to the doctor, or have surgery, yes, it would have been inconvenient.  But, we would have had the financial means and medical insurance to take care of the bills!"

"I am grateful that my husband listens to me rant and rave and cry and gives me sage advice and unwavering support!"

"I am grateful that I did not succumb to old eating habits, my eating-disorder!  I stayed strong!  I kept checking my blood sugar.  I continued with my low-carb meal regimen.  I kept my self-care going!"

I truly believe I have broken the cycle completely now.  I'll never go back to making past mistakes.  I definitely think I have grown substantially throughout this journey.  I'll only look back briefly from time to time to see how far I've come.  But, my focus now is living in the present moment.  Just keeping my eye on the 24-hours I have in front of me and letting the rest unfold naturally.  Without fear and anxiety.  Such a relief!

  

It surely feels like I've been tested over and over again these past 26 months.  Diabetes diagnosis.  Tooth surgeries. A breast cancer scare.  Now, injuries both avoidable and unavoidable.  I'm not getting any younger, you know!  These "tests" are going to keep coming.  Relentlessly.  That's just life!  But, I have to be steadfast in remembering the metaphor of the willow tree.  And with sheer will, determination and gratitude, I will pass each "test" with flying colors.  

Maybe even get an A+!

Until next week, stay well and safe!

Be a butterfly...🦋

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My Eating Plan

So, I have had some people ask me what my specific daily meal plans were.  I've been really enjoying putting up my "What's For Dinner, Donna?" videos up on Instagram and YouTube that shows everyone what I'm having for dinner every night.  It's been a fun way of interacting with people while trying to be goofy and laugh a little at the same time with my family's "carb foibles".   There seems to be a need, however, for people to see my meal plan written out.  Maybe because they don't have Instagram or YouTube, or maybe its an easier way to follow the plan...it can be printed out, hung up on the refrigerator, whatever the case may be.

So...here I go...

Oh, and I should say before I begin that I am not a believer in counting calories or fat grams.  I ONLY count the carb content.  However, I usually reserve high-fat, low-carb foods, like cheeses, red meat and nuts, and condiments like mayonnaise and salad dressings, to special occasions, or going out to dinner.

BREAKFAST:  I usually have a piece of fruit and greek yogurt.  Usually my fruit of choice is a green apple, but recently I have decided to go with frozen berries.  Strawberries to be exact.  I've decided to cut down my carb content a little more in the morning, and I have read a lot of studies that say berries are the best fruit to eat for diabetics.

One medium green apple-25 g carb 

One cup frozen strawberries-13 g carb

Greek Yogurt-3 g carb.  My choice of yogurt is Dannon Two-Good.  Lowest carb greek yogurt I can find with 12 g of a protein power punch per container.

LUNCH:  My lunch is actually a low-to-no-carb snack.  I eat one hard-boiled egg, and a lean, white-meat protein.  Chicken, turkey, ham, etc.  Three days a week I have tuna to get my omega-3's in.  Each of these choices have little to no carbs.  For condiments I usually have yellow mustard, and red-wine vinegar.  These condiments have no carbs at all and health benefits, like turmeric, that helps ease inflammation.

DINNER:  I eat a lean, white-meat protein and vegetables.  I love riced cauliflower and broccoli, sauteed peppers and onions, zucchini noodles, grilled whole onions, salads.  For condiments, I use olive oil, butter spray, lots of spices, like cumin, chili powder, basil, onion and garlic powder.  Of course, red wine vinegar, and yellow mustard.  The highest carb content in my dinner falls to the vegetables.  One bag of riced cauliflower and broccoli-16 g carb.  I eat the WHOLE bag!  This is my miracle vegetable because not only is it low in carbs, it is packed full of vitamins and makes me feel really energetic, strong and healthy!  Give them a try!

SNACKS:  I do not eat snacks.  I stick to three meals a day, because if I did snack, it would trigger a bingeing cycle, so I avoid snacking at all costs.  Diabetic food counselors recommend having a snack at bedtime, but that did nothing for me, except make me hungrier and didn't lower my morning fasting blood sugars anyways.  But, to each their own.  If snacking helps keep you full in between meals, then great!  Just make good choices.  

Now, as I have said in the past, it is worth repeating...I AM NOT A DOCTOR!  I am only showing you what has worked for me.  What works for me may not work for you.  But, if it can guide you and give you inspiration to try new foods, take different approaches, spur you on to contact a doctor or nutritionist to see what plan works for you, then awesome!

I will, however, leave you with these undisputable facts...

1.  Remove processed sugar from your diet.  Your body does not need it to survive.  Sugar is addicting.  Just get rid of it.  There will be a withdrawal period, like any addicting substance.  But, once you get over that hump, you will feel much freer, lighter, healthier, better.  Your weight will reflect the change.

2.  Cut out one grain-based carb.  I have cut out ALL grains from my diet.  Start with one you know you can live without.  Then, once you feel comfortable with that, try another.  Maybe you only need to cut one carb out.  Maybe you can change to whole-grains.  Only you can decide which route to pursue.  But, again, your weight will reflect the change.

3.  Get out and walk, every single day, for at least 5 minutes.  Work your way up to 10 minutes, 15 minutes, etc.  You will begin to have more confidence, build strength, endurance, mental clarity.  Walking is the medicine of life, as Leslie Sansone says!  I fully subscribe to that belief!

I hope this helps you all, in some small way, to inspire you to reach your mental, physical, and fitness health goals!  

Have a great week!  Stay well!

Be a butterfly...🦋 

Forgiveness...And All That That Implies...

So...I have to be honest here.  I started this blog with the sole intention of explaining my two-year journey to Type-2 Diabetes remission so that I could help and inspire others. I had made the intention before I even started that I would do this project without blaming anyone, without calling anyone out.  I really wanted to explain my journey from my point of view, to show the cause and effect of my own actions, and nothing else, no one else's.  Surprisingly, ironically, in the course of these past 10 weeks and past 10 blog posts, old feelings, memories, regrets have bubbled up.  They have bubbled up full-force.  They have continuously slapped me upside the head.  They are saying to me, "WTF are you waiting for?  Get on with it, girl, won't you?  For crying out loud?"

So, here we go...

FORGIVENESS.

Not only forgiveness in others, but forgiveness in myself.  

I finally have to release the old, decrepid, maggot-filled, stinky, moldy, festering, pus-filled emotional pain, trauma and suffering to God, the Universe, or whomever wants to take it.  I have to put all this garbage in a dark-green Glad trash bag, tie it up with a twistie, and throw it in the Universal Dumpster for good.  Because these hurts are a false, limiting story line that don't pertain to me anymore.  Did they ever pertain to me?  Probably not.  Nevertheless, I am now writing a new story line, and the old one has got to go.

So, in doing this forgiveness work, I feel it is time for me to do some "calling-out".  Should I do this?  I don't know what the fallout will be.  But, I'm willing to take that chance.   I'm not going to get into too many specifics here.  Because that would take days.  And I don't have that kind of energy, honestly.  Plus, I gotta eat lunch soon!  Bear with me, please.

I forgive my mother.  As a therapist once told me, she was my first bully.  The love I received from her was conditional.  She had me at 43 years old, which was kind of unheard of back in the 1960's.  I was told by her I was conceived to save a dying marriage.  Which failed a year after I was born.  I was loved and admired when I was thin.  When I gained weight, I was berated, shamed, made fun of.   She refused to display my high school graduation picture because I looked too fat in my graduation gown.  When I moved away after college, I would count the weeks on the calendar before I knew I was going to see her, be it a holiday or whatever, and made sure I starved myself to obtain a certain weight.  That way, I would get her stamp of approval at the front door.  If I did not get the stamp of approval, she would look me up and down in disgust.  The greetings at the front door would set the tone for how the meeting would be.  When I got engaged, my mother told my future husband that she was so happy and lucky he was going to join our family.  The fact that maybe he and his family were was lucky they were getting me?  Those words were never uttered.  In fact, she constantly told me how he would leave me.  There's so much more, but I'm going to end it here.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my father.  I forgive my father for leaving me at one year old.  I've only met him a handful of times.  I am aware through anecdotes that it was not a happy life dealing with my mother.  Whether these anecdotes are true or not, I'll never know.  I believe he tried the best he knew how at the time to stay in my life over the years, but the fact remains...he just didn't try hard enough.  I needed a father.   He wasn't there.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my maternal grandmother.  When I was six years old, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal.  She was ranting and raving and crying over something, I don't know what.  She turned to me and screamed, "I wish you would die right now!" At six years old, how do you process this?  I remember feeling frozen in the chair, full of fear, guilt and shame...for what?  Existing?  Over the years, I have come to realize that she was afraid that because I was around, my mother would not be able to take care of her in her old age.  Although, my mother actually did take extremely good care of her, visiting her weekly, among other things.  This is the best reasoning I can come up with.  I'll never truly know.  I do release you now, however.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my stepfather.  My mother remarried when I was 10 years old.  At first, ehhhh, he was OK, I guess.  We moved to a really nice home in the suburbs with a pool.  My mother seemed happy enough.  I always felt a strange, uneasy vibe from him.  But, it seemed ok.

Then, he touched my breast while drunk.  In front of my mother.  

Then, he started talking about strange things in the car, while he was driving me places, like "Do you know what a shaft is?"

Then he called me a prostitute. (Huh?)

Then, he hit me.  Once.

Then, I was robbed at knife point at a video store I was working at while going to college.  I came home, devastated, crying.  He laughed hysterically.

There's so much more, but, you get the drift.  I do not know if he is still alive.  I haven't laid eyes on him in 25 years.  Probably is still living in that same house.  But, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my brother.  He was not very kind to me.  He was 10 years older than me.  He made fun of my weight a lot.  He died in 1990 at 33 years old in a car accident driving his brand new corvette over 100 miles an hour on a major highway.  No seatbelt.  Overshot an exit, flew out of the roof and hit a tree.  The last conversation I had with him was a week before when we were engaged in a fight.  About what?  No idea.  After he died, I was helping clean out his house.  I was horrified to see that he was actually going through the same thing I was!  He had an eating disorder like me!  He had clothes ranging from size 32 waist to 40 waist.  I knew he took steroids.  I know he always would try to show off to my mother as well, wearing tank tops, showing off his muscles, flexing them, to her utter delight.  So, I think he saw in me a mirror image to what was going on with him emotionally and physically.  I think now we were kindred spirits.  I just wish I was able to talk with him about it.  I do think he would be proud of me to see my accomplishment.  Anyways, I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my other siblings for not being around much.  They were so much more older than me...16, 18, years older.  They had lives.  They needed to get the hell out of the house and start their own journeys.   I just wish I wasn't so lonely.  I have heard anecdotes over the years..."We tried to get you, Mom wouldn't let us."  It's all blah, blah, blah to me.  Again, I believe they didn't try hard enough, just like my father.  But, it is what it is.  I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive my sister.  There has been a lot of jealousy, resentment and competition between us over the years.  She had told me, more than once, how I stole her teenage years away from her because she had to help take care of me.  Again...such a burden I was!   Resentment.  Our mother's love and approval.   Competition.  She had two failed marriages, and yet she texted an inappropriate comment to my husband.  Jealousy.    I release you now.  You are forgiven.

I forgive all the people who bullied and made fun of my obesity and my extra tall height in the past.  Too many names to mention here.  Neighbors, classmates, father-in-laws, drive-bys.  There's a huge list. 

I release you now.  You are forgiven.  

There is a Bible verse that my husband has brought to my attention, and is very fitting at this point.  It is from Luke 23:34...

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'  And they divided up his clothes by casting lots."

What does this mean?

You have to forgive, because they have no idea what they are doing.  They have no idea the impact they are having on you.  They are lashing out, to make themselves feel better about themselves.  They are hurting, as well.  They see something in you, some kind of trait or quality you possess they wish they had.  Or, they see something in you that they perceive as weakness, and cutting you down feeds their ego and their self-esteem.  Which is probably lower than yours!  

Inevitably, this Bible verse has opened my eyes and helped me realize finally that, it truly isn't about me.  It's about them.

And so...

I declare that I hereby, finally, after 53 years of wandering this earth, FORGIVE MYSELF.  

I forgive myself for not seeing clearly, and therefore making bad choices in my life to try to deal with the emotional pain.  Then, feeling the extreme guilt over the bad decisions I've made.  Such as, seeking out unwanted attention because I felt unworthy and not validated.  Never being able to accept constructive criticism, and having difficulties holding down a job for more than 3 years because I had no confidence in my abilities and had non-existent self-esteem.  Eating myself into oblivion so that I wouldn't be noticed by men, or anyone for that matter!  Just wanting to fly under the radar, as it were.  The sheer guilt and shame for eating my way to a chronic disease, knowing it could possibly have been avoided.  Feeling cold, frigid, and intolerant inside because I hated the way I look, hated who I was.  Hence, alienating my loved ones around me who could see my worth, and always have. 

I forgive myself for falling out of love with myself.  I realize I have to love and forgive myself first.  Then all relationships, situations, careers, they will all fall into place gently, securely, and easily.  I am moving on with my life RIGHT NOW.

AMEN.

Well...thank you for reading this.  This blog post was extremely tough, but definitely something that needed to be done.  A puzzle piece that was missing, but now is completely put together.  I hope it helps you in some way.  It sure has helped me.

Until next time... Be a butterfly.🦋🦋 

   

     

 

My Low-Carb Pandemic Life

In this trying and highly stressful time of the Covid-19 Pandemic, I have to admit, I got caught up in the panic of it all.  Being 53 years old with Type-2 Diabetes, even though the disease was in remission and I was healthy and strong, I realized the virus could potentially knock me out of remission pretty quickly, and possibly lead me into the hospital.  Which, I wanted to avoid at all costs.  In the middle of March, my job as a Substitute Teacher at a prestigious, local day school was put on indefinite hold, and my children were delegated to finishing their last semesters remotely at home.  My daughter was abruptly uprooted from her dorm at her University, leaving behind all the freedoms that comes with dorm life.  Now, she had to readjust quickly to dealing with Mom and Dad's rules.  Highly stressful for all involved.  Meanwhile, my husband's job was still considered essential, my children's part-time jobs in the grocery/coffee shop industries were also considered essential.  Which left me, being non-essential, sequestered in my home.  Although, my condo never was so clean! 

I have come to realize during this Covid-19 scare, that it is extremely important to have internal and external support systems.  Even if the support comes from 6-feet away, texting from 30 miles away, QVC, The Three Stooges, IPhone apps and exercise DVD's .  My husband has a new title..."In-House Chef and Kitchen Manager of Chez' Cross".  During this pandemic fiasco, not only does he work 50 hours a week, but he also goes to the grocery store two, maybe three times a week, and makes sure all the perishable, low-carb foods I need to have on a daily basis is stockpiled.  Including toilet paper, but we wont go there!  He also cooks the meat I need for the week in a 25-year-old crock pot so that I can divvy up my protein for the week.  This has definitely helped me keep track of my stringent nutritional needs.  

As far as physical and mental exercise goes, I walk after dinner and on weekends, to help me keep on track with my strict exercise routine. My daughter has even started taking up walking, an added bonus!  I also make sure I workout to my favorite aerobic in-home walking DVD's every single day, at least two miles daily (thank you, Leslie Sansone)!  I meditate twenty minutes a day using a wonderful guided meditation app I have found, called Headspace.  (Thank you Andy Puddicombe)!  Daily meditation practice has greatly helped me come to terms with, and let go of, past pain, trauma and suffering that surely has enabled my eating disorder, anxiety and depression. 

Which has led me here, to this blog.

I now realize that Type-2 Diabetes, was a powerful gift to me.  A gift to show me my true calling and potential in this lifetime.  Sometimes we need to hit rock-bottom before we realize we ALL have the power within us to make changes for the positive.  I am hopeful the Covid-19 Pandemic will enlighten others to start their own positive journeys.  Maybe, just maybe, I can be of some service.

Have a great week!  

Stay safe and well, as always.

Be kind to others, please.

Be a butterfly...🦋

Be a butterfly...🦋

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